CrowdStrike
The circus has an enterprise sales team.
CrowdStrike? More like... ClownStrike!
Read CrowdStrike’s roastTHE INTERNET KEEPS RECEIPTS.
Previously
roasted.
Big claims. Thin skin. Permanent links.
The company pitches and security careers that met the grill.
Company roasts37 saved roasts
Older saved roasts are being added to the archive.
NCC Group
Their logo's so bland, even their firewall forgot to log it.
NCC Group? More like Nah-C-Can't Group.
Read NCC Group’s roast
Ipsos
polling 90 markets but still tripping over their own corporate video.
Ipsos? More like Tip-Toes —
Read Ipsos’s roast
SSCL
Their homepage boasts 'the largest provider' — biggest bureaucrat bingo card in Britain.
SSCL? More like Sub-Standard Civil Lackeys.
Read SSCL’s roast
Capgemini
Tour de France sponsor can't pedal past its own 'human-AI chemistry' buzzword.
Capgemini? More like Capgem-eye-roll.
Read Capgemini’s roast
Cisco
Their slogan says 'powering an inclusive future' — the future's still loading.
Cisco? More like Cis-slow.
Read Cisco’s roast
CrowdStrike
it feels like buying flood insurance from a guy in a canoe.
CrowdStrike's breach prevention warranty is so confident,
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Rackspace
Translation: you've now got a stranger yelling about your servers.
They call their support experience Fanatical.
Read Rackspace’s roast
Arctic Wolf
Dawn is when I admit the nightmare didn't end.
Aurora: A New Dawn For Cybersecurity.
Read Arctic Wolf’s roast
Recorded Future
My takeout has the same guarantee and worse customer service.
Their threat intel arrives in as little as 31 minutes.
Read Recorded Future’s roast
Darktrace
It brakes for the ransomware and steers straight into the dashboard.
Self-driving security finally arrived.
Read Darktrace’s roastAI satire, not a product review or a prediction of anyone’s employment. Company jokes riff on public marketing.