Rackspace
Translation: you've now got a stranger yelling about your servers.
They call their support experience Fanatical.
Read Rackspace’s roastTHE INTERNET KEEPS RECEIPTS.
Previously
roasted.
Big claims. Thin skin. Permanent links.
The company pitches and security careers that met the grill.
The roast archive36 saved roasts
Arctic Wolf
Dawn is when I admit the nightmare didn't end.
Aurora: A New Dawn For Cybersecurity.
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Recorded Future
My takeout has the same guarantee and worse customer service.
Their threat intel arrives in as little as 31 minutes.
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Darktrace
It brakes for the ransomware and steers straight into the dashboard.
Self-driving security finally arrived.
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Microsoft
Your favorite apps were already the thing leaking your data.
Microsoft 365 promises advanced security in your favorite apps.
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AMATAS
Translation: someone else gets the 2 a.m. breach call.
AMATAS promises fully managed cyber security.
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Cybersecurity Companies
The world's most expensive free activity that still ends in a sales call.
Free to explore. Browse 215 companies in 54 countries.
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Cybersecurity Companies
A dating app for security buyers, except everyone ghosts after the demo.
Free to browse 215 cybersecurity companies.
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Cybersecurity Companies
It's a group chat for buyers who hate group chats.
A directory of 215 security companies, free to browse.
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CENTIO
Like letting the fox mail himself into your henhouse, hands off.
They promise to take responsibility for your cybersecurity.
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Petar Chardakov
The bot drafted the partnership before kickoff
You spend the week aligning who owns the next identity integration and who signs the trust language. The client pastes the same brief into a chatbot and gets a partner shortlist, a draft MoU, and a slide on shared login before your meeting starts. You insist the relationship is the work. Fine. They're already asking the bot whether your invoice still belongs
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CENTIO
The cybersecurity equivalent of a spouse who says 'trust me.'
We handle everything. You just pick the package.
Read CENTIO’s roastAI satire, not a product review or a prediction of anyone’s employment. Company jokes riff on public marketing.