VulnXperts
Their experts poke holes so politely the holes say thanks.
VulnXperts? More like Vuln-X-Pecks — gentle little nibbles, no real damage.
Read VulnXperts’s roastTHE INTERNET KEEPS RECEIPTS.
Previously
roasted.
Big claims. Thin skin. Permanent links.
The company pitches and security careers that met the grill.
The roast archive48 saved roasts
ATECH Solutions
Five practices, one partner — and zero new ideas behind the slogans.
ATECH? More like A-Tech-No, thanks to the buzzword bingo board.
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Check Point Software Technologies Ltd.
Their slogan 'Turn intelligence into action, now' means turn your budget into their invoice, now.
Check Point? More like Cash Point.
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Advania
Your slogan says 'service obsession' — congrats, you've finally found your obsession.
Advani-ya? More like Advan-no-please.
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Sencode
Their entire business model is sending emails until someone finally opens one.
Sencode? More like Sends-Low-Code enthusiasm from the IT department.
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OffSec
Their tagline says 'level up where it matters.' Yeah, their billing cycle.
OffSec? More like Off-Second — your paycheck disappears that fast.
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CrowdStrike
The circus has an enterprise sales team.
CrowdStrike? More like... ClownStrike!
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Doran Jacques Grand National
Their 'Mothers forgetfulness' stat puts the blame squarely on mum.
Doran Jacques? More like Do-ran Into the Sofa Crying!
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Choudhary Muhammad Osama
HttpOnly Slack novelist, intern posted first
You drop a three-screen Slack novel every time a cookie lacks HttpOnly. The bot writes that same Secure, SameSite, token-theft sermon before you type have you considered. The intern posts it first now. The thread reacts with the same damn emoji they used to give you.
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Chris Fuller
Residual Risk, your 1–5 grid is not a product
You slap a 1-to-5 likelihood-times-impact sticker on every backlog item like that’s strategy, Residual Risk. A model can fill that grid and the compensating-controls bullets from the one-pager before standup. Then you still recite the leftover-risk line out loud, and the room hears last sprint’s same four numbers on the same sticker.
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fmhy
a wiki directory just slapped a Bash variable on its homepage to look technical.
fmhy called itself the "$HOME of Linux and macOS" —
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Fortinet
For a firewall company, they're desperate to let sales in.
Fortinet? More like... FortiNeedy.
Read Fortinet’s roastAI satire, not a product review or a prediction of anyone’s employment. Company jokes riff on public marketing.