CENTIO
The cybersecurity equivalent of a spouse who says 'trust me.'
We handle everything. You just pick the package.
Read CENTIO’s roastTHE INTERNET KEEPS RECEIPTS.
Previously
roasted.
Big claims. Thin skin. Permanent links.
The company pitches and security careers that met the grill.
The roast archive37 saved roasts
CENTIO
It's cybersecurity, not a wedding venue. Stop picking tiers.
Choose a package. We handle everything.
Read CENTIO’s roast
Wiz
So did my last relationship, until context fell apart.
Wiz connects code, cloud, and runtime into one graph.
Read Wiz’s roast
PurpleSec
Every babysitter with a glare has been doing this job for decades.
They call themselves the only intent-based Prompt WAF on the market.
Read PurpleSec’s roast
Atlant Security
So when he goes on vacation, your SOC 2 just stalls at the airport.
Founder-led engagements, they promise.
Read Atlant Security’s roast
CENTIO
At least the plumber eventually admits he found a second problem.
Pricing's included, nothing extra — said every contractor mid-renovation.
Read CENTIO’s roast
Wiz
My group chat does that, and it just roasts strangers over typos.
Wiz connects code, cloud, and runtime into one agentic platform.
Read Wiz’s roast
Wiz
Slide 47: the graph now wants a badge, a standup slot, and a coffee budget.
Homepage: one agentic platform for code, cloud, and runtime.
Read Wiz’s roast
Alexander Sverdlov
They asked the bot if your invoice is the real risk
You open the client call by walking through last quarter's threats like they haven't heard of the internet. Meanwhile they dropped the vendor questionnaire into a chatbot and already have answers that would have taken your intern a week. You still bill for the workshop. Of course you do. That's why they're asking the same bot if your retainer is a vulnerabil
Read Alexander Sverdlov’s roastAlexander Sverdlov
Not the lock, just the keynote
You still introduce yourself like the last human standing between civilization and chaos. Every conversation becomes a TED talk about how only you see the real risk. You treat a calendar full of panels like a bunker. Then AI drafts the same warning in thirty seconds and nobody asks who founded the bunker. You're not the lock. You're the keynote about locks.
Read Alexander Sverdlov’s roast
Alexander Sverdlov
Your product is a PDF factory with a login
You spent years turning every European acronym into a dashboard tab, then priced it like a luxury fear subscription because Vanta already did. The sales pitch is still the same: map controls, chase vendors, screenshot evidence, call it governance. Now a model eats the frameworks, drafts the mappings, and fills the questionnaires before your demo even loads.
Read Alexander Sverdlov’s roast
Alexander Sverdlov
Your GRC stack is now a demo-shaped copilot.
Your GRC stack is now a demo-shaped copilot. Map controls across GRC frameworks (Now–6 months): A model ingests NIST/DORA/ISO/SOC2 text and produces crosswalks and gap lists, shrinking manual control-mapping spreadsheets and framework translation work. If: Public frameworks are already in training data; buyers still need a human to certify mappings against t
Read Alexander Sverdlov’s roastAI satire, not a product review or a prediction of anyone’s employment. Company jokes riff on public marketing.